Saturday, July 16, 2005

Dear ol' Dad....

Ok... this is going to be a serious post. I've got some issues that I need to work out. You're welcome to read them, but please don't try to help.

I'm not sure I've ever completely dealt with the death of my dad. Most of the time, I don't even think about it, but every now and then I really miss him. It's sad when you start thinking that your boss is the closest thing you've had for a dad for five years. That's not a knock against my dad or my boss, but since I was young (18) when he died, I never really got to know him as a person, rather than just an authority figure. I did some, but I think I was 16 or 17 when I learned that he was terminally ill, and getting to know someone while you're racing against the clock is a bit like someone holding a gun to your head while you're watching a movie and telling you that you'd better enjoy yourself or else. I wish I'd gotten to buy him a beer at the chicken and hear him tell R-rated stories and figure out what made him tick. I've heard stories about him, and he seemed like he was quite a prankster. I think there's a little of that aspect of him in me, but I think Mandy got more of it.

I think the best resource I have, other than my family is his website,

I was watching some TV ad for a depression medicine, and it said that one of the symptoms is inability to focus. I know I'm not severely depressed, but that describes me to a T. I cannot focus on anything for the life of me. I have 20 million little projects that I've started, but I can never force myself to sit down and finish one. Studying is hard for me. In high school and the first semester of college, that was not the case. Studying was never hard for me. Yet in college, I've found myself so distracted that it's really tough to focus. I keep telling myself that I'm just going to have to buckle down and make myself focus, but it never seems to happen. I have no willpower.

Maybe I just need to get it out in the open and deal with it.

I'll muddle through eventually.

1 comment:

Twentysomething said...

((HUG)) I know you don't want help or advice but I want to just tell you that my phone line is always open ( even if I may have to get back to you after my 80 million hours of teacher training is up ). I think it takes immense courage and introspection to admit what you just admitted to yourself...and by doing that you've made the biggest step in healing. ( Don't let my psyc degree fool you; I'm just as much in the dark when it comes to some things as the next person ) ... but after 8 years I'm still around to lend an ear. :) Again, ((hug))